Ironic Disfigurement
by lrmingo63
Summary: Can't really think of a summary for this one. Read to find out! DirkJake. Rated M for future smut. Humanstuck!Trolls/Cherubs/Midnight Crew/Exiles/Felt all used. Chances of other pairings besides DirkJake as well.
1. The Accident

**Cdjdlkfjdsfldkfjsdf. I literally can't seem to focus on one fanfiction, can I? I have two multi-chapters started and I HAVEN'T FINISHED THEM. And now I write this?**

**Uhm. DirkJake. Rated M for future smut. Humanstuck!Trolls/Cherubs/Midnight Crew/Exiles/Felt all used. Chances of other pairings as well. **

**I might make this a multi-chapter as some sort of side project. Just go to the reviews and tell me what you all think, okay? I greatly appreciate the reviews I'm getting on Hysteria University, Paperstuck, and the sadstuck one-shot for SolKar, Pink Ribbons!**

Enjoy! ovo

You're sitting in your friend's convertible, taking in the wind and the smell of freshly cut grass as you get your ass driven down the street of said friend's neighborhood. Your tan skin gives a nice reflection of the sunlight beaming down on the both of you. You had to even take off your glasses just so you could see where you were being driven to. You wanted to take in the sights and smells of your surroundings.

You look on your left, in the driver's seat, to see your good friend next to you. That man's name is Dirk-fucking-Strider. Fucking spiked up anime hair that'd make you go "golly!". And his shades are quite fascinating too; you've even pointed out a few times that they go with his hair. He'd answer you with a chuckle, maybe with the occasional hair ruffle or perhaps a friendly punch to the shoulder.

And his puppet fascinated you too. It's beady blue eyes, one gold tooth, the orange suit under it's little blue shirt, too. The puppet went by the name of 'Lil Cal. Though he creeped you out a little, you didn't mind too much with having him around. Though… you suspected of him sometimes moving around on his own.

Your cousin, who liked to call himself Caliborn, disagreed with calling Cal "fascinating". In fact, Caliborn hated puppets! He despised them to the core! His sister, Calliope, however, didn't mind them all that much. Their father, and your uncle, who you all have taken to calling Lord English, has never met Dirk before. He has heard stories about him through you, and thank-gosh not Caliborn (because who knows what he'll fucking say?).

And I forgot to mention, silly me; your name is Jake English, and you have an Australian accent of sorts. That Strider irony is rubbing onto you.

You rest your cheek on your hand, in which that elbow underneath your hand is rested on the edge of the door, in between the inside near the seat and the outside near the road. The sun was starting to set, and it was a wonderful sight. You loved to see sunsets; you remember them from your old home. You almost doze off at the sight, but before you know it, it's already night time!

You look to your left again; Dirk is still there, but he chuckles at your surprised jumping. You sigh, chuckling back at him, then lead your head fall back so you could face the sky, watching the stars pass over you. A small pout hits your expression as Dirk teases you non-vocally; you can just tell by his expressions as you occasionally glance back at him.

A few minutes passed by without notice, in your point of view. You must've fallen back asleep, because Dirk was shaking you like a motherfucker.

He explains that there was something terribly wrong. His breaks were frozen, apparently. And for some reason, his steering wheel would also not cooperate. He was going at a pretty high speed, and apparently thought he should ask YOU, the one with no experience with mechanics at ALL, on what to do about it.

Well, before you could give a snarky response, you felt a jolt in your body, as if something just crushed you like a cracker, and then you blacked out.

You thought you were dead. But instead, you wake up on the ground, with Dirk staring down at you with his bright orange eyes. His shades were broken in half, as shown since he had one side only on his face. Tears rolled down his face as he stared down at you; he thought you were dead. He had a hand on your neck to support you up, and a hand on your stomach to block some bleeding. He had injuries himself, but he's not the kind of guy to put himself first.

You cough, and blood comes out. You can see lights and hear sirens in the distance. You figured he must've called the paramedics. You wanted to tell him everything was all right, that you were okay, but… You just felt weak. So very weak. And in great pain all at the same time. You could feel your eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Your hearing was getting muffled, but you could hear the voices of people scrambling around, Dirk frantically answering questions..

You soon black out again, but for a lot longer this time.

You wake up, in pretty much no pain at all. You open your eyes, but… it's still dark. You look around frantically, with the room still being dark. You lift up your one hand, feeling your face. You had your face completely wrapped in bandages, minus your mouth and nose. Was that accident that serious?

Your ears aren't covered either, and you can tell since you hear someone enter the room. You could hear clicking against the floor as whoever entered was approaching you. You automatically assumed it was Dirk, since you remember his one leg bleeding the most out of all of him.

"…Jake?" His low, yet partially premature voice spoke to you. "You awake?"

You nod weakly. "Yeah…" Your voice is a bit raspy, not to your surprise. Your throat was a bit sore as well, making your accent a bit less vibrant. Dirk frowned at you, but it's not like you can see it.

"Look, I'm fucking sorry.." He started, coughing into his still-gloved fist. "I knew I should've gotten the car checked and.. I'm sorry.."

You shake your head. "No, Dirk, I forgive you… okay?"

"How the hell can you forgive something like this?"

You gave him a soft chuckle, lifting your one hand and feeling around, as if trying to find the top of his head or even his shoulder. "It's all right, Dirk. I'm not that kind 'o person to hold a grudge."

Dirk took his hand, squeezing it a bit tightly. You could hear him quietly weeping as he grabbed your hand with his other free hand, dropping now both crutches he had. You could feel the tears staining your skin, but you didn't care. You could feel tears forming in your eyes too, but you decided to hold them in. What if you damaged the bandages?

You hear the door open in front of you, with some intimidating heavy footsteps sounding from it as well. You assume it's a doctor, but probably someone possibly overweight? I mean, his footsteps were kind of heavy.

Dirk glances over. "Zahhak." He says. "Good to see you could come in today."

The man nods. Holy shit, if only you could see him right now, Jake! (Right, sorry) He's pretty big, but not overweight; his entire body was covered in muscle as if he were on steroids. Though if you asked he'll tell you that never once was he ever on steroids. However, he was pressured to do otherwise.

He was an African man, his dark skin smooth and clear. His hair was in a mess of dreadlocks but he usually tied it back. He refused to cut for whatever reason, but it wasn't much of a concern to anyone. He wore rectangular sunglasses, which were slightly cracked, for some reason. No one really knew why he wore them.

His full name was Equius Zahhak, and he was a gentle giant.

"Yes… is he awake?" He asks, in sort of a ghostly tone that makes you shudder a little.

Dirk nods. "Yeah, but only for a few minutes." He squeezes your hand, and he nods.

"Mr. English…" Equius spoke to you. "You have family and friends waiting outside of the office… only two at a time can come in, however. Will you allow visitation, or do you require more time to recover?"

You nod. "Yeah.. they can come in. I wanna see my folks, Doctor… Zahhak, was it? Pardon myself." You chuckled at your bad memory.

Equius nods. "Very well…"


	2. Visits

**Sorry for the lack of updates on just about anything; writers block here.**

Bluh. It sucks turtle dick. I don't even have school until 9/5 so it's pretty boring as well.

I'll try to update more! ;w;

You nod back at Equius, but it's a tad bit hard with the bandages on. Dirk gives your hand one last squeeze before he leaves the room. You can hear him sniffling a bit as he does so. Heh, you never knew someone like Mister Strider was so emotional. The door shuts, and you can still feel the presence of Equius beside you.

A few minutes later, the door opens up, and two people walk in. At first you don't recognize them, but the scent of mint perfume hits you like a bullet when one of them hugs you to death.

"Jake English! We were bloody worried about you!" It was Calliope.

"Pfft. Yeah, I'd be worried about this screw up when fuckin' pigs fly." The snappy remark came from Caliborn, who stood back from hugging you.

"Oh hush, brother!" Calliope snaps back at him.

You cough into the bandages. "Miss Umbra… there's no need to worry. I'm fine, see?" You wave your hands in a somewhat jovial matter to show your liveliness. Calliope giggles while Caliborn rolls his eyes. You had no clue why Caliborn was such an insufferable prick towards everyone else. Of course, you knew that Caliborn had a good side to him.

He and Calliope were older than you by about five years each (Caliborn younger than Calliope by 5 minutes) and you remember Caliborn was actually somewhat more pleasant when he was younger. Somewhat pleasant. You can't exactly fathom why he's become so extremely bitter and hostile towards other people, even his own sister!

"Jake.. you really shouldn't be flailing around, love." Calliope gently set his hands down. "You don't want to strain yourself."

What also fascinated you was that Miss Umbra had an English accent. Ironic, since your last name was English, yet Calliope and Caliborn was children from a past mother. Though, you had no idea whether or not their mother was English. Caliborn had no accent, to be honest. His voice was hoarse and unpleasant. But the one thing that made you giggle a little bit was that every time he used a word with "u" in it, in any pronunciation, his voice would crack pretty high.

"Jesus, would you quit babying the kid?" Caliborn spat. "You sound like his fuckin' high and mighty mother, sis."

"Well pardon me for having concern for our cousin, brother." Calliope snapped back, quite annoyed.

"Come on guys…" You choke out, a bit weakly. "Let's not fight for once, huh..?"

Caliborn sighed, crossing his arms. "Whatever English. I'm due to leave now, so if you'll fuckin' excuse me." He turned around, walking out of the room. Calliope gives you a quick peck on the nose before following him. You could hear their quiet bickering in the hallway. Oh well, Caliborn was never a patient one, was he?

You wait a good ten minutes before the door opens. You hear some calm, light footsteps in first. You didn't recognize this person, but… they reeked of honey. A bit too much honey. The second set of footsteps was.. wobbly. Mismatched and unplanned.

Roxy.

"Lalonde watch where you wobble, would you?" The first voice was.. weird to you. You never heard this person before. "You literally almotht hit me right in the head!" And a heavy lisp as well.

"Cu.. Calm down, Capta… Captor! Captor, Captor…" Roxy giggled to herself. "I didn't mean ta almost bump yew!" Roxy stumbled over , placing a hand on your shoulder. You could smell the alcohol in her breath even through the layers and layers of bandages. "So.. English! How are ya?"

You chuckled under the bandages. "I'm doing great, I guess… besides the fact I got these darn bandages covering my face…"

"Mah.. Musta' been a serious accident then!" Roxy giggled into her palm.

"Aren't you forgetting thomething?" The one with the heavy lisp spoke up. He approached you from the other side of the bed. "We haven't met. I'm a friend of Daveth, though I don't know Dirk all that well. My name is Thollux."

Roxy cleared her throat. "And w-why did ya come?" She gave a smirk towards the other.

Sollux looked back at her. "Whath with the thmirk? You forced me to come here!"

"But for eh-what reason?"

"You thaid you locked KK in a closet in thith room, Roxthy."

"And'i lied."

"Jethuth Chritht."

You decide to interrupt the quarrel. "Roxy.. you didn't have to invite Mister Captor here, even if it required the supposed trapping of his mate.."

"Thank you…" Sollux rolled his eyes. "I gotta go find KK. Lalonde, you're helping me." He gently grabbed the other's arm, tugging her towards the door.

"You're really that concerned, Sollux?" You ask with a silly grin, which is of course hidden.

"Of courthe it ith!" He nearly freaked on you. He cares about this "KK" person a lot. A loyal, devoted lover; you liked people like that. You could hear Sollux pretty much drag Roxy out of the room in kind of a rush, as you could hear her heels scrape across the floor and her partially slurred speech bidding you farewell. The door shut, leaving you alone with Zahhak once again, who was currently absorbed in other business.

"Hey Doc?" You start. "Why is my face… covered in bandages, anyways?"

Zahhak turned around to speak with you. "Your face… was a bit mangled from the accident. Some surgery had to be done, and we wrapped your face in bandages so it could heal more properly. Though, when you can finally remove the bandages, there's a chance that you could be… disfigured."

"Disfigured?"

"Yes… for an example, to put it simply, your noise may be a bit bent to the left…" He tapped his foot, trying to think. "A few scars down your face… according to Dirk, you were face first into a pile of glass…"

"Gee…" You were a bit surprised on how badly it turned out. You expected a few cuts and bruises, and then the bandages just milking it. But apparently it was a bit more serious than you expected. You didn't feel any pain though… maybe they have you on meds?

Oh well, you'll find out soon enough.


	3. Show Yourself

You must've fallen asleep after your thoughts, because you felt refreshed a good ten hours later. Plus, some boisterous nurse was in the room giving out repeated "Good Mornings" and "How are you feeling?". Every time she turned after facing you, you felt her think, curly hair whip your arm. It tickled a bit at first, but it was becoming more painful with each hit. You just hoped these bandages came off soon, as they were beginning to get itchy.

"Oh, and I have very good news for you, Jake!" The nurse cheered at you, making you mentally raise an eyebrow.

"What is it, miss?"

"I'm Feferi, and a specialist is coming in to check your face, to see whether or not you're fit to leave the hospital."

"After only one day..?"

"Not entirely. Even if your face is able to shown outside of your bandage shell, there's no guarantee that you can leave right away."

"Alright.. who's this 'specialist' you're going on about, may I ask?"

"WV, or at least that's what we call him for short. He goes by a title of Wayward Vagabond, and he says his actual name is a secret. He has some weird can fetish… and he likes to wear a lot of bandages, even without injuries. But I can assure you this; he knows what he's doing!"

You chuckle nervously under the bandages. Can fetish? Unneeded bandages…? It would be rude to question or doubt a certified doctor, so you nod Feferi off as she leaves the room to fetch WV. And think of it this way; you could finally see what you look like! It did worry you when you heard from Equius the other day about your nose being disfigured, and then the scars, but it did strike your curiosity.

And it also meant you'd be that much closer to heading back home to your family.. well, not quite. Caliborn and Calliope did live with you, despite you being their cousin, and then your mysterious father, who demands to go by an even more mysterious title, Lord English. You figured it fit since your last name was English, and he also had a striking resemblance to your cousins.

And what made things more complicated was that your father was the head of a notorious gang known as The Felt, whose members had code names having to do with the classic game of pool. It was pretty interesting to you, and of course, you couldn't not stay out of their business. They simply dragged you into it. You also didn't know many of the members all too well, but you're bound to meet a few of them once they find out one of the Strider boys almost got you killed.

The door creaked open, interrupting your thoughts as you heard some light footsteps come into the room. The visitor had no scent, and kept coughing into his hand. It must've been WV, since you could hear the rubbing of fabric onto fabric and a clipboard being set on the desk.

"Who goes there?" You ask jokingly.

The man turns around to face you. Of course, you can't tell. "You must be Jake. I am the Wayward Vagabond, but just WV will do." He had a worn voice, probably from all of the coughing. "Have you had any pain in your face?"

"None, actually. Did you give me some sort of pain killer?"

"Yes, but that probably wore off a good few hours ago." He coughed, then continued. "Have you had any pain after that?"

"Nope. I feel fine."

"No stringing or throbbing?"

"None, WV."

"You sound pretty fit for removal. Although, the air may cause stinging. I'm sure you know how that goes by childhood experience. I'd have to examine your face, and then still keep you here for another day or so; mainly for blood tests and disinfecting. You should be free to go in a few days, perhaps."

"That's the best news I've heard.." You sigh. "Am I ever getting this off?"

"We could now, if you want. You seem ready, health wise."

You sat up more sharply, nodding eagerly at WV's words. He chuckled at your excitement, sticking his hand in a drawer to search for something. He got on a sharp wheel-like tool with a rubber handle, probably used for cutting thick bandages. You could hear him approach you, then set the tool on the head of your bandages and slowly slide it, cutting the mask in half.

The first half was taken off, revealing WV's face. He was awfully pale, and had his black hair in a mess on the top, and was a bit long in the back, curling around his neck. He was a lot younger than your expected, probably in his twenties. There were bandages wrapped around his head and neck, and a few on his arms. He grinned at you, taking off the other half of the mask, setting it aside with the first.

"Eheh. You don't look too bad. Not as bad as I've seen, that is." He chuckles at you in a jovial matter.

"Can I have a mirror?" You ask him, blinking excitedly as he nods and fetches one from the desk. You close your eyes and wait for him to hand it to you. When you open your eyes, however, you're less than excited at the sight in the reflection.

When Equius said your nose would be a bit bent to the left, he kind of under-stated it. It was almost at a ninety degree angle, making it a bit difficult to breathe through your nose. The scars covered most of the right side of your face, but were patterned to look more like scratches. A long one stretched from your left cheek up to about your left nostril, being the most noticeable scar. You also had a bruise on your forehead to top it off, which wasn't as noticeable as the scars.

You look at WV with a terrified expression. He tries to keep a smile on. "Jake.. you have to understand that this literally isn't as bad as it looks.. other patients have gotten it worse than you."

"I understand. I guess.. I guess it's just shocking to see myself in this sort'a state, y'know?"

WV nodded. "I understand, for I've experienced similar reactions from patients." Before he could think of anything else to say, the door opened again to reveal another man. The funny thing was that he had parts of him wrapped in police tape, and had short, knotty black hair. He was slightly taller and slightly older than WV, and had a bit of a beard starting on his chin.

"Ah.. so this is the guy you were told to check up on, Vagabond?" He asked, in a bit of a husky voice.

"Yes, Aimless.." WV faced you. "Jake, this is Aimless Renegade, or AR for short."

AR gave you a nod as you did to him first. "That's right kid… You two seem similar in age, but he's mine."

WV growled, blushing furiously as he turned back to AR. "Shut up, would you? I doubt he'd even try that! Him and Dirk seem pretty serious anyways.."

"Wait… pardon?" You chime in suddenly. "I think you've got it wrong, guys; me and Strider aren't an item, just friends is fine."

"I 'unno, bud." AR shook his head. "He was pretty sickly worried about you when you came in; on the verge of tears. I was one of the people stuck in the room with him, and he wouldn't shut up about you. We had to give him a shot to knock him out just to get some peace."

"He was just being a good friend as all, AR." You pout at him.

"Whatever you say, kid." He snickers at you teasingly, which makes you more frustrated.

You hope you get out of the hospital soon.


End file.
